These words resonate in my head over and over almost every day. The past few months, I have been consumed with wishing or trying to be my "old self." Ya know, 45 pounds lighter and healthy. But I realized something over the last couple days, I'm not meant to be my old self again. God didn't put me on this path so that I could go right back to where I started. He is trying to grow me and mold me for the future. Not for how things used to be.
Let me explain.
I am constantly saying phrases that begin with "I used to..."
"I used to love shopping, now I just keep going up a size."
"I used to not have to give myself shots."
"I used to be able to walk around Target without hurting."
"I used to be able to sit crisscross applesauce with my pre-k class, now my joints just won't let me."
"I used to only visit the doctor for a cold, but now I've become best friends with my medical team."
"I used to not have a 'medical team' (however, I do love them)."
But you get the point. I've been stuck in this "remember when" stage and wanting to just go back in time. Now granted, I have learned to always appreciate where you are in life. Our society is so consumed with weight and looks that we are always trying to be skinnier. In my case, gaining a lot of weight in a short amount of time, was devastating. I was so silly to think I needed to be skinnier then. I had no idea what I had when I had it. Things change. Sometimes really quickly and I am trying to practice that same concept with where I am now. Who knows where I will be next year or even next month. I need to choose joy, now. Not later.
"Behold, I make all things new."
New. That is a hard thing for me to swallow. All of this is new. I've been through the whole range of emotions and I am finally settling into my "new." God is making me new. He has a plan for me. And let's be honest, this whole sickness plan wasn't a slide in my life powerpoint. But He doesn't want me to go back to being my old self. He wants to make me new. During the sermon tonight, our preacher said "God didn't create us to be happy, He created us to glorify Him. No matter what our circumstances may be." Why would I try to "be my old self again" when The Lord is pointing me in a completely new direction.
As much as I love Taylor Swift, I want this song to resonate in my head.
Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.
I am so prone to wander. Don't get me wrong, it is totally acceptable to have bad days. I just want to embrace my new. We aren't meant to be our old selves. He wants to make us new.
Love,
The Not So Joyful Joy...
But I really am trying